Saturday, May 17, 2014

Without Him.

For three months now I have wanted to write. What exactly? I'm not sure. But there is so much inside that I need to get out.

My world changed three months ago. My dad left me. Here. Without him. And that was it. I wasn't ready for him to go. It wasn't fair. No one asked me if I was ready to live in a world without my Dad. No one told me it was coming. No one warned me how hard it was going to be. No one told me just how much I would miss him. No one told me that I would wake up every morning hoping that it was all just some horrible, sick bad dream. No one told me I would pick up my phone to call him, only to have a knife stuck deep into my chest once again when I realize that I can't call him. He's gone. No one told me that literally everything would remind me of him. in some way. No one could have prepared me for this.

I would give anything. literally anything. to be able to see him. to spend one more second with him. to tell him one more time how much I love him. to be able to hear him tell me one more time that he is proud of me.

I want to share the words I spoke at his memorial.

"I never could imagine how it would be possible to live in a world without my Dad. He was the first man to ever love me. He was the one who told me stories at night to help me fall asleep. He was at every recital, school play, sporting event, and graduation cheering me on and being as proud as can be. He was the one I stood next to in the kitchen where I learned the love of cooking, and he was the one I couldn't wait to share exciting news with. He was my rock.

Conversations with my Dad were always something I looked forward to. They were always filled with dreams, plans, direction, and hope. He believed in me. Sometimes more than I believed in myself. He never held back in telling me how proud he is of me. I love the way he loved me. I love the way he loved Stephen, and especially how he loved Riley, Kennedy, and this new life inside of me.

I will forever do my best to be the person he saw in me. I pray that I can love my kids the way he loved me.

And I realized it is possible to live in this world because although I cannot see him, I feel him in everything around me. He will be apart of every happiness I ever experience, every dream I ever pursue, and every memory that ever fills my thoughts. I know that I will see him again, and I know that I am a better person because I knew and was loved by my greatest hero, my Daddy."

I find so much joy and peace knowing that I will see him again. But as comforting as that sounds, it's not the same. I want to share with him each and every moment here. now. I want to be able to talk to him about the little things.

I know that he is watching over me. I feel him all around me. I thank God for that. I thank God for all the memories that I have. The precious ones I can hold onto and use to bring a smile to my face. A smile among all the tears.

i love you daddy.

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